Poker Jokes
“I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house and four people died.”
A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. “I hope you don’t mind,” she said, “but I play better when I’m naked.” She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head’s-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, “I won! I won! I won!” The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. “What’d she have?” the loser asked the dealer. “I don’t know,” the dealer said. “I thought YOU were watching.”
Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. “Freddy, listen,” he told the host, “Jason’s in the kitchen making love to your wife.” “OK, that’s it, guys,” Freddy said. “This is positively the last deal.”
A guy was playing no limit hold’em and was down about $500 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun. “Quit playing poker forever right now and I’ll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.”, said the little fellow. The player replied, “Let me get even first.”
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous wife waiting for him with her usual sour look on her face.
“Where the hell have you been?” she asked.
“You’ll have to pack all your things, dear,” he said. “I’ve just lost you in a poker game.”
“How did you manage to do that?” she demanded.
“It wasn’t easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush.”
What is the difference between a professional poker player and God?
God doesn’t think He’s a professional poker player.
Did you hear about the leper poker game?
One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.
How to Play Omaha: What you do is get four cards. Doesn’t matter much what they are because nobody really looks at them anyway. Next, they put three cards on the board. It doesn’t matter what they are because nobody really pays any attention to the flop either. Then one more card for the turn and another one for the river. Same betting scenario as before. Doesn’t really matter much what they are, except, for a few of the players that may have “cheated” and looked at their hole cards. These players may now fold if they have absolutely no outs. (Mostly bad sports.) Now, at the showdown, everybody turns over their cards and helps the dealer figure out who has the best hand. You MUST play two cards out of your hand so this usually takes a while and and the winning hand is usually found out after a little bit of searching by all of the players and a partially confused dealer. The dealer now pushes the pot to the wrong player and everybody yells at him and he smiles glibly and says, “Oh yeah,,,sorry” and then sends it in the right direction. Then, after all of that excitement dies down, everybody lets out a collective sigh of relief and gets ready to wind up and do it all over again. Fun game.
